


Listen to me

by Moonmares



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Transphobia, Love Doctor Wilbur, M/M, Menstruation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Supportive Tommy, Tommy's bad at understanding his feelings, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Toby Smith | Tubbo, Tubbo's bad at admitting to his feelings, afab chest, probably no smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:20:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 17,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27718087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonmares/pseuds/Moonmares
Summary: Tubbo's got a crush on Tommy. Tubbo's got internalized transphobia. Those things don't mesh.Tommy wants to be supportive and romantic. Tommy has has no idea how to be either. Those things don't mesh.In short: Two boys stupidly in love but they have no idea how toProbably only fluff but hey we'll see what I'm in the mood for along the way(Detailed CWs in the first chapter)
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo/TommyInnit
Comments: 151
Kudos: 570





	1. Tubbo's two secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT CONTENT WARNINGS:  
> Parts of this fanfictions include mentions/implications of:  
> \- self-harm  
> \- menstruation and period pains  
> \- afab chests and interactions with them (nonsexual)  
> (this list will be updated)
> 
> In none of these cases will I be describing anything in a glorifying, graphic or highly detailed way beyond good taste, but I understand even mentioning some of these topics can make many people very uncomfortable. I will be putting appropriate warnings at the start of each chapter that contains sensitive topics. But as a heads up: None of them will be in the first chapter! :)

A warm breeze touched Tubbo’s skin as his gaze wandered across the water.  
Next to him, Tommy was just as quiet as he was, breathing in the salty air of the sea, enjoying the calm afternoon on the beach.  
“We should get something to eat. I’m proper hungry”, he said, and Tubbo nodded. Just a few more minutes, tho. Just a few more minutes.  
After meeting up on weekends and in the holidays became a regular thing they did, they didn’t really bother with fancy plans and activities.  
In fact, Tubbo was most happy when he was just hanging out with his best friend. Enjoying a walk in the woods when he was visiting Tommy or spending an afternoon on the beach when Tommy was visiting him.  
Banting over stupid shit, enjoying each other’s company.  
If only they could do just a little more. Like hug. Or cuddle. Or kiss. But that would be so weird.  
“You heard me, didn’t you? I’m really hungry. If I don’t get something to eat soon, I’m gonna start stabbing shit”  
Tubbo smiled to himself and got up. “Well, we wouldn’t want that. We can get something to eat at the booths right over there if you want to”  
“Did I fucking stutter?” Tommy got up as well and they went to grab chips.

This night, Tubbo was lying in bed, hugging his pillow and listening to some music on his phone.  
He was still thinking about Tommy on the beach.  
It was almost like a date. Almost.  
If only it had been one.  
They could have held hands while walking to the fish-n-chips booth. They could have kissed behind the dunes. They could have cuddled while watching the deep blue of the ocean and breathing the salty winds blowing to shore.  
His phone buzzed.  
“I’m home. Sleep well, Big T”  
He smiled and responded to Tommy’s text with a short “I’m glad. See you tomorrow”  
Before putting his music back on and listening to it until he fell asleep, blinking away the tears that had crept into his eyes.

It had been another fun stream with his pals, and Tubbo was way too aflutter to go to bed already so he hung around the Discord server for a while.  
“I’m gonna kip down for tonight, boys”, Tommy announced to everyone left in the call, “Big Man’s got an exam coming up tomorrow and I’m not in the mood for failing it. See you tomorrow night. Goodbye, Wilbur, Fundy- Tubbo”  
He logged off, and just like the pause he made before Tubbo’s name, a sudden, deafening silence hit the call as the three remaining men were waiting for the others to revive the conversation.  
“So, Tubbo… any plans on opening up to him?”, Wilbur asked, after neither Fundy nor Tubbo had said a word.  
Tubbo froze. “What?” By the tone of his voice, he could tell Wilbur was smiling to himself. “You know what I said, Tubbo. You should really tell the big man your secret”  
Tubbo was glad his facecam wasn’t on because he was blushing a lot as he sank deeper into his seat.  
“What are you on about?”, Fundy asked, and Wilbur giggled.  
“You’re joking. You don’t notice? Tubbo’s got the hots for Tommy. Badly. And he’s too shy to admit it”  
“No, I don’t!” Tubbo blurted out, covering his mouth with one hand. “Stop teasing me with this. I don’t got the hots for anyone”  
“Surely” Wilbur was grinning again. Curse him and his ability to see right through Tubbo. Was he such an open book? Did Tommy know it too? On the other hand, Fundy didn’t seem like he’d known anything about it.  
In fact, Fundy was chuckling, half amused, half concerned. “You… you don’t really like him like that, do you, Tubbo?”  
Tubbo clammed up, and Wilbur laughed.  
“Of course he does. Have you seen the way they talk with each other? I had one or two crushes in my life and I know how it makes you behave. Especially when you are a teenager confused about his sexuality”  
“Shut up, Wilbur”, Tubbo blurted out, his mouse cursor inching closer to just leaving the bloody call.  
“Hey, Tubbo… I’m sorry… I didn’t wanna make fun of you”, Fundy tried to reason, “I just thought it was absurd… but there’s nothing wrong if you do have a crush on Tommy”  
Tubbo kept silent again, and both of the others did too, waiting for him to react.  
“And what if I did? What if I did think Tommy’s cute? There’s nothing to do about it but to keep-..”  
“You joking, mate?”, Will interrupted him, “You gotta tell him. Trust me. He likes you. Probably more than you like him”  
‘No, he doesn’t’ Tubbo thought, ‘At least he won’t if he finds out… about… me’  
“Thank you, Wilbur. Good night” He hung up, leaving his two friends in an even more awkward silence than after Tommy left. And Wilbur felt kinda bad he teased Tubbo about his crush.

‘That’s alright. I don’t have to tell him, I like him. But… he should know the truth. About me. About who I really am’, Tubbo thought to himself, anxiously awaiting Tommy’s train to arrive.  
It had been almost a week since he ‘told’ Wilbur and Fundy about his crush, but both men had been considered enough not to bring it up again.  
In general, he avoided sharing a voice call with either of them and Tommy at the same time, which led to some pretty awkward situations.  
So awkward in fact, that Tommy started asking whether Tubbo and Wilbur had a fight.  
“You know, Tommy?”, Tubbo had said, “I’m just having a stressful week with college and homework and stuff. Why don’t you come over for the weekend. Like… the whole weekend. Sleep over at my house. I think I need some time to unwind”  
And now there he was, waiting at the train station. Tommy was gonna stay with him for three days. There was no way of hiding his binder, his andro gel, his everything for this long.  
But Tubbo planned this for a specific reason. He was gonna force himself to come out to Tommy by the end of the day.


	2. Tubbo's coming out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy visits Tubbo  
> Tubbo opens up  
> Tommy knows nothing about being trans but he tries his best  
> See you soon you wonderful people <3

Tubbo was shaking in his boots as the train rolled into the station.  
Tons of people spilt onto the platform but he had no trouble spotting the tall blonde boy that was grinning from one ear to the other as his eyes caught Tubbo.  
“Big T!”, Tommy shouted and Tubbo forced a smile on his face. He was so goddamn nervous. He had no idea how to do this. Why had this to be so hard?  
“Tommy, maaan…” He grinned and made awkward finger guns. Tommy laughed and they separated from the crowd.  
“Got any plans for the day, Tubbo?”, Tommy asked, already eyeing the big backpack Tubbo was carrying around.  
“I… yes. Yes, I do. I thought we could… maybe… have a picnic… at the sea?”  
Tubbo felt how hot his cheeks and ears got. This sounded like a date. Almost too weird for two friends to do. But to his surprise, Tommy’s crystal eyes lit up.  
“Sound amazing, big man. I haven’t had no lunch yet and I’m starving. I hope you packed at least some good shit”  
Tubbo couldn’t help but grin. Hanging out with Tommy always was a lot of fun. At least… it had been until now.  
He was scared to his bones that tonight, Tommy would leave him in disgust when he’d find out who Tubbo really was. WHAT he really was.  
So he wanted to have at least one good day. One last good day with Tommy.  
He couldn’t imagine Tommy just… accepting him. Staying with him. Keep being his friend.

The wind was stronger than usual but the two boys were having lots of fun nonetheless.  
Tubbo had gotten up very early this day and had spent hours preparing sandwiches, cutting fruit and vegetables and packing everything in little boxes.  
Tommy was speechless as Tubbo spread a checkered blanket and spread the boxes from his backpack.  
“You’re joking. You did this? All of this?” Tommy stared at all the stuff and Tubbo avoided direct eye contact.  
“I… I might. I don’t know… it was kinda fun… I’d hoped you’d like it…”  
“Like it? Tubbo, you’re mental. For me? You really shouldn’t have. Thank you so much”  
Tubbo couldn’t keep himself from giggling. He sat down and shared his first sandwich with Tommy who seemed still a little dumbfounded.  
Had he done too much? They were only friends. It wasn’t like they were dating. You probably shouldn’t put this much effort into a few snacks you shared with your mate, but Tubbo wanted to make it special. He always tried making things special, especially if they were thing directed at Tommy.  
“Now I feel kinda bad, Tubbo. I never put this much effort into anything I did when you were coming over. You are absolutely mental”, Tommy admitted, and his cheeks had blushed the lightest shade of pink.  
“Don’t mention it”, Tubbo mumbled, not looking up from the sliced kohlrabi he was nibbling on.  
“I just wanted to make a special lunch… it’s our first sleepover. I wanted to make it… fun”  
“You’ve really outdone yourself” Tommy’s voice was raucous from astonishment.  
“Next time warn me you’ve got a five-course meal planned, Big T”  
He almost felt bad, but Tommy already laughed and grinned at him.  
His braces were reflecting in the sun.

The rest of the day was as usual, they hung out at the beach until their skin felt too dry from the salty air and the burning sun.  
They packed their things and walked back to Tubbo’s house, not without Tommy thanking him at least half a dozen times.  
Something about that made Tubbo’s stomach warm and fluttery, and he felt like his steps were especially light and airy that day.  
The rest of the afternoon and evening went by in the blink of an eye, they had dinner with Tubbo’s parents and then went up to Tubbo’s room, where Tommy dumped himself on Tubbo’s bed, and Tubbo awkwardly sat down on his desk chair.  
He had promised himself to come out to Tommy, but this was a lot harder than anticipated. He knew he had to, at least once they had to go to bed. He wouldn’t change in front of Tommy, but he would notice Tubbo wasn’t wearing a binder anymore.  
But he didn’t want him to find out that way. He wanted to tell him up front.  
Tommy was on his phone, scrolling through Twitter, when Tubbo looked up at him, couldn’t help but let the corners of his mouth twitch upward.  
Every time they hung out, Tubbo’s crush seemed to quadruple in size. How could someone be this cute?  
Tubbo shook his head. One problem at a time. There was no way Tommy liked him once he’d find out what Tubbo really was. Tubbo was still afraid Tommy would just get up and leave once he told him, so his knees weren’t the strongest when he tried to get up.  
He sunk back into his chair, but Tommy noticed. He sat up and looked at him, eyebrows raised.  
“Spit it out, Tubbo. There’s something you wanna ask me or tell me or whatever. I’ve been noticing how awkward you’ve been all day. Spit it out, mate. What’s the matter?”  
Tubbo could feel he was blushing deeply. Was it this obvious? He really tried to keep it cool, he honestly didn’t even feel anxious all the time. In fact, he quite enjoyed everything they did today.  
“Tommy… there… there is a secret I have. I haven’t told you… or anyone online for that matter… because… I’m afraid”  
Tommy had slid to the edge of the bed, bent forwards, his eyes on Tubbo. He seemed openly interested.  
“Come one, man. It can’t be that big of a deal. Just spit out. Whatever it is, you can trust me. I’ll always be your pall”  
“Promise?”, Tubbo asked, and his voice cracked. It was even higher than normal. He slithered around in his seat, and he felt the heat building up under his tight binder. He felt like, even if he pulled that thing off, he’d have trouble breathing right now.  
“Promise you’ll always be my friend, Tommy?”  
Tommy nodded.  
“Because it is… kinda weird. Kinda. Also… kinda… disgusting”  
Tubbo was shivering now, and he knew he was about to start crying. He dug his fingers into his thighs, his fingernails scratching against his skin.  
“Disgusting? Tubbo? What’s wrong?” Tommy sounded like always, his voice dripping with faked over-confidence, but there was a type of concern Tubbo had never heard Tommy utter.  
“I… I’m…” Tubbo gulped. He felt like he had to throw up, and hot tears started running down his cheeks.  
“I’m trans”

Tommy didn’t know what to say.  
Tubbo was sat in front of him, shaking like an aspen tree, his hands clawing into his shorts.  
His voice was unsteady, as he repeated the same two-word sentence a couple more times.  
“I’m trans, Tommy. Trans. I am trans”  
Tommy didn’t know too much about that sorta stuff. He had the basic understanding that anyone had that didn’t know a trans person personally, but that’s it.  
“You… you wanna become a girl?”, he asked, carefully, slowly. But Tubbo shook his head, and now Tommy could see he was crying. Long strands of dark brown hair fell into Tubbo’s face, and Tommy felt anxiety creep up his arms and legs.  
He hated being around someone who cried. He never knew what to say or do about it. He hated seeing people crying because he couldn’t help them. And he especially hated it when it was the people he liked the most.  
“I don’t wanna become a girl! I am a girl… I mean… I’m not… I used to… I mean, not really, but you see” Tubbo choked on his own tears and snot, as he pulled off his shirt and threw it away.  
He was wearing some weird type of top underneath his shirt that covered his chest. It looked really tight and uncomfortable.  
Tommy had no idea what it was, but he understood what Tubbo meant.  
“My body… my body is female, Tommy. But I’m a boy. I’ve always been a boy. You know me. I am a boy, right?”  
“Of course you are, Tubbo”, Tommy said, and his voice felt weird. Of course, Tubbo was a boy. Tommy didn’t care what he was born or assigned as. This was still Tubbo after all. Right?  
“I am?”, Tubbo asked, his face red, his eyes swollen, his skinny arms wrapped around his pale body, almost trying to hide the black tight top, Tommy would soon learn was called a binder.  
“You’re Tubbo after all. I don’t care if you have a dick or a…” Tommy stopped. He knew he probably shouldn’t say the word. He was pretty sure Tubbo wouldn’t be comfortable with it, judging by how ashamed he was.  
“You don’t think it’s weird, Tommy?” - “I don’t know, man. But even if it is weird, it’s not something to worry about”  
“You don’t think it’s disgusting?” - “It’s not. You’re not disgusting, Tubbo”  
“I’m not?” Tubbo managed to smile, but he hadn’t stopped crying and shaking.  
And then, Tommy got up and did something he never did. He kneeled in front of Tubbo’s chair and gave the shaking boy and hug. He went in slowly, unsure if Tubbo would like it and let him touch him like that, but he did. Tubbo leaned his shaking form into Tommy, and Tommy closed his long arms around his crying friend.  
“You’re not disgusting, Tubbo. I would never think you are. It’s okay, Tubbo. It’s gonna be okay.”


	3. Tommy understands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tubbo explains what being trans means  
> Tommy explains what being Tubbo means  
> (CW: This chapter references/implies past self-harm, without going into any detail)  
> See you next time, wonderful people!

It took Tubbo a long time to stop crying. His cheeks and eyes were hurting, but the warmth in his chest and stomach almost made him forget his fears.  
Tommy had guided him to his bed, where he laid down, hugged a pillow and cried it out.  
Tommy was sitting next to him, very gently patting his shoulder, giving him a reassuring smile whenever Tubbo looked up at him.  
He felt terrible. He should’ve known Tommy wasn’t gonna leave him. Wasn’t gonna hate him.  
Tommy was his best friend. He trusted Tommy with some things he didn’t even tell his family. He shouldn’t have kept this a secret either.  
And now he had been crying for what felt like an hour, and Tommy had nothing to do but be by his side, tell him over and over that everything’s gonna be alright and that nothing’s gonna change.  
He made everything so awkward. But when he tried apologizing for all this, Tommy just gave him another hug and told him everything would be alright.  
Tommy had once told him he normally didn’t like to hug people. He was kinda insecure about physical touch, and Tubbo knew exactly what he meant.  
He was only comfortable with hugging and touching his family and closest of friends. He had wanted to hug Tommy for a while but had respected his friend’s boundaries. And now Tommy had hugged him. Twice.  
“Tommy…”, Tubbo said, as he sat up, wiping his eyes even though there were no tears left to cry, and gave the other boy a smile.  
“You’re the best friend a man could ask for…”  
Tommy blushed. He didn’t even try to hide it. “I’m just sorry there isn’t more I can do. And I’m sorry that I know so little about… being trans”  
“Tommy it’s not your fault. And if you wanna know more about it…”  
“I do!”, Tommy interrupted him, looking him straight in the eye. “You’re my best friend. I wanna know about this site of yours… I mean… if you’re comfortable with it”  
Tubbo nodded and smiled a little. “I can explain it to you. Maybe… just… tomorrow. I’m really exhausted from everything today” He tugged at the edge of his binder. “And I gotta take this thing off. Even if the dysphoria of being around you without it will kill me”  
Tommy looked at him and nodded. “Tubbo… one last thing… this means a lot to me?”  
“What do you mean?”  
Tommy looked away. He was smiling again. But it wasn’t a normal Tommy smile. Not the crooked, mischievous type of smile that he normally had after he told a stupid joke or pranked one of his friends.  
It was a soft smile. The kind of smile after you open a present from a loved one and it’s something you’ve wanted for ages. The kind of smile when you come home and your Mum has prepared your favourite dinner. The kind of smile you have when someone told you something really nice about something you’re normally insecure about. (Like the one time Tommy noticed Tubbo’s voice had dropped and he pretended he had been messing with his sound settings)  
Tommy avoided direct eye contact and smiled to himself.  
“It means a lot to me that you told me. That you told me first. Besides your family of course. I know this was hard for you. But you told me. You… you must really like me”  
“You’re an idiot” Tubbo giggled and got up. “You really think I like you?”  
Tommy looked confused for a second, but then he grinned again. It wasn’t a soft smile, it was a Tommy one, but it was still pretty cute.

“Okay starting with the basics…”  
Tommy and Tubbo were sitting on the balcony of Tubbo’s house. It was early in the morning, neither boy caught heaps of sleep this night so they decided to get up early and enjoy the mild morning breezes and the chirping of birds in the trees.  
“This thing you’re wearing… I googled it… it’s a binder, right?”  
Tubbo nodded and handed his friend the black stretchy garment.  
“It’s so that my chest appears flat… it’s really useful… but not the most comfortable”  
“Oh, I see that”, Tommy said, carefully stretching the fabric of the binder. “Especially if you have two… you know whats… that you gotta stuff in there”  
“Tell me about it”, Tubbo said, taking it back. He wasn’t wearing one right now, but the big puffy sweater he was wearing right now was doing a pretty good job of hiding his chest. Admittedly, since his chest was on the smaller side, he was kinda lucky that he didn’t have to bind all the time.  
“You really shouldn’t bind all day, you know… it’s not good for your back and rib cage”  
“How long have you been doing it?”, Tommy asked.  
“I knew I was a boy since I was like… five or six maybe? I know I told my parents I wanted to be a boy all the time but… well they didn’t take it seriously. Until puberty hit and things got… bad”  
Tommy looked at him. “How bad?”  
“Pretty. But… luckily they found out before I could seriously… you know… hurt myself. I’ve been in therapy for almost four years now. Out as Toby for three. And… I’m on Androgel for eight months now!”  
Tubbo smiled, but Tommy seemed confused. “What’s that?”  
Tubbo reached into his pocket and pulled out the little box.  
“It’s a kind of… lotion… I’d say. You rub it into your skin every morning… and well… it gives me testosterone. The male hormone. So I can have male puberty”  
Tommy eyed the box for a little while then he looked at Tubbo and he grinned. “That’s why your voice dropped, isn’t it? And your arms and legs… yesterday on the beach… I noticed they were quite a bit hairier…”  
‘Why is he watching me this closely?’ Tubbo blushed and nodded.  
“You noticed?”  
“I mean… uh… yeah… kinda” Tommy grinned, just as embarrassed as Tubbo was.  
Both grinned and said nothing for a while until Tubbo giggled.  
“What’s wrong now? Did I say something stupid? Stop it, Tubbo!”  
Tubbo smiled. “Remember when you said you didn’t like my deeper voice?”  
Tommy went from surprised to concerned. “Oh my God, I’m sorry, Tubbo. You… I didn’t mean it… it was just a bit… a joke for the stream… I”  
Tubbo giggled again. “Hey… it’s not a big deal… unless you really think my voice sounds like shit”  
Tommy shook his head. “No! No of course not! You’ve got a great voice, big man! Great! The best, in fact…”  
Tubbo laughed and as Tommy noticed how ridiculous he sounded, he laughed too.

“Life isn’t that easy when you hate yourself”  
Tommy and Tubbo were taking a walk at the beach. It was still early, they got here right after breakfast, und Tubbo felt like opening up.  
“I hate my body so so much, Tommy. It disgusts me ALL the time. I just wanna rip my skin off and… toss it away. That is what dysphoria is to me. I know it’s not as bad for every trans person… but for me… it’s hell. Taking gel has helped… but it’s still really hard. And even if I get the odd surgery… I know… it will never go away completely”  
Tommy didn’t answer for a while, but Tubbo knew he was just taking his time to phrase his answer.  
Tommy tended to be a very impulsive person, but from time to time they had serious, deep conversations. And in those, Tommy took his time with his answers. Paid attention to his words. Said every phrase with utmost care. He truly was an incredible person.  
“I’m sorry you feel this way, Tubbo. I wish there was a way I could give you… what you want. I can’t. I can just try to… you know… distract you from the pain, I guess? Tell you… that it’s okay to be yourself. Last night you asked me if I found you disgusting. I didn’t understand it back then, but I think I do now. To you, your body may be disgusting. I… I can’t understand that, but I can understand, why you feel like this. But that doesn’t make you a disgusting person.  
You’re an amazing person. You’re passionate, your honest, you’re supportive… you do so many great things and it hurts me so much… that you hurt so much”  
Tubbo had stopped and Tommy only noticed now. He turned around and looked at Tubbo who still stood a few feet behind him. He was blinking away tears. Tommy had never said anything this nice to him. He wasn’t sure anyone had. Ever.  
“Are you for real, mate?”  
“You think, I’d lie to you, man? I’m coming all across the country to lie to you about this? Tubbo you’re a great guy. I know the others won’t admit it, but I think you’re what’s keeping our friend group together. Everyone values you a lot, you know? You’re such a great listener and you always care for everyone. Some of the guys told me how much your support and compassion means to them. You’re such an amazing person and you deserve none of the pain you are going through. So if there is any way I can help you make it better, I will do it”  
Tubbo was speechless. Did the other guys really think of him that way? Did Tommy think of him that way? He got closer and slightly opened his arms.  
Tommy nodded and gave him a hug. It felt so good pressing his face into Tommy’s chest.  
“Thank you. Thank you a thousand times, Tommy”  
Tommy didn’t answer, he just held him. He really did feel sorry for Tubbo. He wished he could do more for him. For Tubbo. His Tubbo.


	4. Tubbo tells his friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter about how Tubbo tells the others guys.  
> This kinda marks the end of the first act.  
> Oh don't worry, if you're afraid the angst and anxiety and nervousness were over, we haven't even started  
> See you next time round, you wonderful people <3

“Tubbo don’t you feel like you’re rushing this? You don’t need to…”  
Tubbo was set on his plan tho, he was gonna do it whether Tommy thought it was a good idea or not.  
“Talking about my issues with you helped me so much. Knowing you accept me already made it a lot easier for me to accept myself, Tommy. And if they knew… we wouldn’t need to keep it a secret”  
Tommy was concerned. He didn’t think their friends would have any problem with Tubbo’s identity, but it hadn’t even been 24 hours after Tubbo told him he was trans.  
“Listen, Tommy… they’re my friends. And I feel kinda bad keeping it a secret from them. It’s still gotta be between us… for now”  
“For now?”  
Tubbo knew this day had to come. He always planned for it, but it had been hard facing the reality.  
“I wanna come out. Properly. On the internet. To my viewers. Not now, probably not for a few more weeks or months but…”  
“Why, Tubbo?” Tommy looked concerned.  
He hadn’t left Tubbo’s side all day, and he’d been a lot calmer and softer. Tubbo appreciated it a lot. He knew Tommy wasn’t dissembling. He was just showing a softer, more caring side of him rarely anyone ever saw. Tubbo was pretty sure he was one of the very few people Tommy allowed himself to show his vulnerable version to.  
“I’m afraid… it’s gonna backfire. You know many people are assholes. They won’t like it. You’re not gonna have an easy time”  
Tubbo nodded. “I’m aware. But listen; back when I had trouble accepting myself… well more trouble than right now… I watched a lot of trans content creators on Youtube and Twitch. They made me feel at home. Gave me a safe space. And I’m reading my donations and indirects. I know how much my stuff means to some people. Tommy - I wanna be that safe space for other confused trans people. Even if I still have to work on it myself… this doesn’t mean I can’t help others along the way”  
Tommy couldn’t stop himself soft smiling. He did that a lot today. And Tubbo liked it.  
“Please… go slow. Don’t force yourself to things that might be too much. This has been an intense day… weekend”  
Tubbo nodded. “Okay. Wilbur and Fundy. They’re my closest friends apart from you. I spend most of my with them. Let me tell them. And the other guys… I will tell them in due time”  
Tommy didn’t wanna feel like he was regulating his mate, he was just anxious Tubbo was putting more weight on trying to prove a point than on going the safe and easy route.

“We need to talk. I’ll call you in a bit”  
Well, that was ominous. Fundy was in the middle of a stream when he noticed Tubbo’s text.  
All week the fella had been quite unusual, and Fundy was afraid it had something to do with the conversation they both had with Wilbur. He apologized to Tubbo the day after, but Tubbo still seemed a little on edge.  
“Sorry chat… I just got a text… I figure it’s something important, I have to take this. Don’t worry, it’s probably nothing terrible… just… an urgent issue. Sorry for ending already… see you tomorrow”  
Fundy was so nervous he ended his stream without even raiding anyone. He looked back on Discord. Tubbo had written: “Give me a minute, I’ll add you to a call”  
He wasn’t sure if it actually was something terrible. Memories flooded back from that one time when he and Tubbo were hanging out on Discord for hours, deep into the night, both plagued for insomnia.  
It was one of these conversations, that started casual, but as the hours on the clock went on, it got deeper and deeper.  
He remembered how Tubbo’s voice broke back then. He heard how he cried.  
Tubbo told him about a terrible week he had. And dark thoughts he’d had.  
Tubbo never mentioned anything like that ever again. But ever since then, Fundy was a little on edge whenever Tubbo sent an ominous message. Did Tubbo need help?  
That’s when he was called and he clicked accept.  
It was Tubbo, Wilbur and him, Tubbo was still on mute.  
“Will? What is going on?”, he asked, trying to sound more confident that everything was alright than he actually was.  
“I have no idea, Fundy. Tubbo just texted me… I feel like it’s a big deal. He never calls me this spontaneously with that urgency… you think… there’s a problem?”  
“Yeah… I’ve been wondering too”, Fundy admitted. “But why wouldn’t he call Tommy first? And then call both of us?”  
That’s when Tubbo unmuted.  
“Because Tommy is with me right now, fellas. And because I need to tell you something. The both of you”  
It took Tubbo quite some time to spit it out, and Fundy could here Tommy giving him support in the back.  
After he finally did break the news, there was a silence. Will, who clearly had anticipated either a serious problem or a stupid prank had gone completely quiet.  
Fundy gulped and leaned into his mic.  
“Tubbo. Listen to me. Thank you so much for telling us. You’re really brave. I hope you know this changes nothing. You’ve got my full support”  
He could hear an indeterminable sound from Tubbo’s end, but it surely was a sound of joy.  
“Tubbo… Toby”  
That was Wilbur’s voice.  
“I’m really sorry. I’m sorry you felt afraid of telling us. I should’ve made it more clear that you can tell me anything if it bothers you. We’re friends, after all, aren’t we?”  
A short break, then.  
“And… yeah… what Fundy said. You’ve got my full support too”  
Another break. Fundy could hear Tubbo do… something. He wasn’t sure if it was crying or laughing, but then, a metallic sound broke the silence and Tommy spoke into the mic.  
“Guys you’re making Tubbo blush a lot right now. I hope you know that” Tommy laughed. He said something to Tubbo Fundy couldn’t make out.  
“Oh and thanks for being such great mates… that’s from Tubbo and from me” Tommy laughed again and Fundy was relieved there were no bad news.


	5. Tommy's a prick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Short note:  
> The plot of this chapter wound up to take a lot longer to put into words than anticipated, which is why I will be splitting it into two. Chapter six will be out very soon, and the awkward start of this chapter will be resolved there...)
> 
> Tommy tries to release pressure on his identity crisis and it backfires in the completely wrong way
> 
> See you next time you wonderful people <3

Summer had turned to autumn and the leaves of the trees had rusted into auburn and golden shades.  
Tubbo was sitting on a bench in the park, the shades of the branches drew weird patterns on the grass. He felt kinda nervous. His button-up shirt felt uncomfortably stiff, and his hair had grown so long he had to push it out of his eyes again and again.  
His slender fingers were shaking as they wrapped around a small box of chocolates.  
The last week had been complete chaos, and he had no idea how he finally managed to rake up the courage, but he did. He asked Tommy on a date.

On Monday, he, Tommy and Wilbur were playing Minecraft on stream, and everything would’ve been unusual, but Tommy was acting weird.  
He was known for his childish humour and stupid jokes, but Tubbo had never seen him use comedy so… flirtatiously.  
Because of some event on the SMP Tubbo had changed skins - a minor thing, really - but when he met Tommy on the server, Tommy let out a whistle.  
“Look at you, big man. Someone dressed up. You’re looking fine”  
Tommy laughed it off and it was just a stupid joke, but he didn’t feel like the kind of joke Tommy’d normally make.  
Tubbo didn’t know how to react, so he didn’t, and the conversation moved on, but there were a couple more situations where Tommy complimented Tubbo’s “looks”.  
It was only Minecraft, but still… it was kinda weird. Tubbo didn’t know what to make of this.  
It got to the point where Wilbur told Tommy to “stop flirting” and do whatever he wanted him to do on the Server.  
Tubbo dared not to look at his chat because he knew they were going mental.  
Another time, Wilbur told Tommy to “go and get your boyfriend over here”, of course meaning Tubbo.  
Wilbur and Tubbo hadn’t spoken about that one time in summer when Tubbo “told” him about his crush, but he knew Wilbur couldn’t have forgotten about that. Why was he supporting Tommy’s weird behaviour?  
Tubbo decided to end stream early, and Wilbur did so too half an hour later. He called him up and Tubbo, who was still online, took the call.

“Everything alright, Tubbo? You seemed kinda… weirded out today”  
“Of course I was. You noticed how Tommy was behaving”, Tubbo responded, leaning back on his chair, taking deep breaths.  
“You serious? Tubbo that was just a bit. A stupid joke. If you don’t like it, just tell Tommy to sto-”  
“Tommy never makes jokes like THIS, Wilbur. He hates that flirty-kinda stuff. Yeah he brags about dating women but he never did this kinda stuff with people on here”  
Wilbur took a deep breath, before asking, a little bit more carefully: “Is it making you uncomfortable?”  
“I don’t know”, Tubbo admitted, “I just… I don’t know. I normally wouldn’t mind, to be honest. You know I make these sorta jokes sometimes, too. But Tommy never does. And he did while we were live on camera. That’s quite… peculiar”  
“Maybe you’re right”, Wilbur said, “Maybe you should talk to him about that”  
Tubbo shrugged. “Maybe. I feel like that’s gonna be awkward, tho”  
After he and Wilbur chatted for a little longer and said Good Night, he opened his phone one last time only to see “FlirtyInnit” trending on Twitter.  
He decided to put his phone away and hit the hay for the night.

He was chatting to Tommy two days later before stream, and Tommy seemed the same as ever. Everything was pretty chill, so Tubbo felt confident to bring it up.  
“You know how weird you were on Monday, do you?”, he asked, and Tommy giggled.  
“Was I? I felt like we were having fun”  
Tubbo sighed. “I don’t know. I thought it was kinda weird. I… maybe… tone it down a little?”  
Tommy didn’t answer. He wasn’t used to Tubbo telling him to “tone it down”. His parents, yes. Wilbur, yes. Everyone basically, yes. But Tubbo… that was weird.  
“Tubbo… if you found it weird you just should’ve told me…”  
“It’s not a big deal”, Tubbo responded, “Just jokes about my Minecraft skin”  
“Yeah… only stupid jokes”, Tommy admitted.  
“Thanks, man”, Tubbo said. He was glad Tommy would turn it down.

“Oh he did not turn it down”  
Tubbo was burying his face in a pillow, even if he had no one to hide his embarrassment from.  
Naively, he’d thought, Tommy stopped making those jokes. But he didn’t. He just muted himself whenever he did. And once they finished and Tubbo logged onto Twitter, his feed was flooded with the most awkward of clips.  
Tommy kept winking at his chat and pulling lascivious faces. He called Tubbo “handsome” and “attractive” multiple times and didn’t miss his chances to say things like “look at this cake” or “boyfriend material”.  
Tubbo closed Twitter and sent Will a text.  
“Have you seen what he did?”  
Will answered quickly.  
“Tubbo, the whole world has”

“What the fuck?”  
Tommy sank deeper into his chair. Tubbo rarely got angry. But this wasn’t just anger. It was disgust.  
“I told you to stop it and you did this?”  
It was two in the bloody morning and Tubbo had called him right before he fell asleep. And by the tone of his voice, he knew he couldn’t postpone the call.  
“Tubbo… come one… come on. It’s only a few jokes here and there… it’s not that bad”  
He was using that cocky, aloof way of speaking he always used when we tried to downplay something he fucked up. He should’ve known that this wouldn’t work on Tubbo.  
“You humiliated me in front of everyone on the internet and you call that “a few jokes”? Have you lost your mind?”  
“Humiliate? I wouldn’t call it “humiliate”. I only complimented you”, Tommy tried to weasel his way out of the accusations.  
“You called the arse of my Minecraft character “delicious cake”. Twice”, Tubbo said. “I told you I didn’t want this flirty, lascivious humour and you went and tripled it. This is not funny, Tommy”  
Tommy rolled his eyes. It wasn’t his fault Tubbo wasn’t comfortable with his sexuality.  
“Tubbo there is no need for losing your temper like that. If you are uncomfortable with gay jokes… I’ll stop. No one thinks you’re really gay. I’m not gay. It’s just a funny act”  
“It’s not funny!” Now Tubbo seemed more exhausted than angry. “And it has nothing to do with either of us being gay or not”  
“Tubbo… I’ll stop. I’ll apologize for it tomorrow night. Maybe I went a little far… but come on… it’s not that big of a deal to call me at this ungodly hour on a school night”  
Tubbo let out a short, dry laugh.  
“You better apologize for it. I can’t believe you’d do this, Tommy”  
Tubbo hung up and Tommy was left to his thoughts.  
He’d thought Tubbo’d find it funny. At least a little. He felt like of all people Tubbo would’ve been okay with that kind of humour.  
Tommy cursed and threw his phone onto his bed.  
It wasn’t his choice he didn’t understand his feelings. His sexuality. Any of that.

The next day, when he thought everything was over, he just had to apologize and everything would go right back to normal, he got a call from a certain Wilbur Soot.  
“What’s the matter, big man?”, Tommy asked in his normal, foolish, manner, but Wilbur’s tone was a lot more dry and sincere than expected.  
“Tommy, I want you to say sorry for what you did last night. You were really immature, even for your standards. You know you hurt Tubbo’s trust, don’t you?”  
Tommy was out of words, and while he was trying to find the right ones to respond, Wilbur was already going on.  
“I’m honestly sick of you and your constant identity crisis. I have no problem talking with you about your sexuality and what’s going on in your life. I’ve always had an open ear. I warned you about doing these things impulsively”  
Tommy sighed. “I’m sorry, Wilbur. I just… I don’t know what to do. I thought I would never… feel that kinda feeling. You know I tried talking to girls… and… do more…”  
“You told me how horribly every last one of these attempts backfired, yeah”, Wilbur said, but there wasn’t an ounce of humour in his voice.  
“And now you basically tried to flirt with Tubbo but you managed to be so incredibly awkward that you can’t pass it off as a real flirt or as a joke”  
“FUCK THIS WILBUR”, Tommy shouted, risking his parents knocking on his door again, “I DON’T KNOW EITHER. I don’t wanna have a crush on Tubbo. ON TUBBO. That’s so weird. I haven’t had a single crush on anyone for sixteen bloody years and now it turns out I fancy TUBBO?”  
Wilbur giggled. “I can tell this is your first time. You have no idea what you’re doing. You’re being immature and you’re hurting Tubbo”  
Tommy’s heart was still racing. He had been talking to Wilbur about his feelings and his confusion for a few months now, even before Tubbo came out to him in the summer, but this was the first time he really lost it. He always struggled with his feelings and identity crisis, but everything had come to a breaking point.  
He sank back into his chair, took a deep breath and, as calmly as he managed to press it out, asked Wilbur: “What do you reckon I should do now to… you know… dampen the blow?”  
“First of all”, Wilbur said, and Tommy could here Wilbur was trying to hold back, “You apologize publically, you stupid moron. After that, you talk to Tubbo and apologize to him, again. And maybe… you should tell him why you…”  
“NO!”, Tommy was at full volume again, “I WON’T. I won’t tell him I fancy him. I can’t”

Wilbur sighed.  
These stupid, stupid boys. Looks like he had to do all their work for them.


	6. Tommy apologizes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Here it is: the second part of yesterday's chapter. I hope the characters weren't too ooc in the last chapter, I feel like this one ties everything back together)
> 
> Wilbur makes Tommy apologize  
> Wilbur makes Tubbo ask Tommy out
> 
> See you next time you wonderful people!

Tommy felt hot all over.  
“Listen chat. I’m a little early tonight and this won’t be a long stream. You will be finding this clip on Twitter later tonight and on YouTube tomorrow. I’m just here to apologize”  
He took a deep breath. He couldn’t bear looking straight into the camera. But as he saw HOW MANY people were watching this right now, he felt his heart drop.  
“The last two streams… especially yesterday night… I made some… really inappropriate jokes. Some of you might’ve thought they were funny, many of you… rightfully so… probably thought they were really immature. They were also… wrong. You see… it was just in very poor taste. I know I can be a kind of a big-mouth… but… I never wanna offend anyone with my content. Or make them uncomfortable. But that’s exactly what I did”  
He couldn’t stop his fingers from fidgeting. Why did he do this?  
“The thing is… I… I fucked up, chat. Please forgive me if I’m taking a few days off from streaming or uploading. It… it probably looks really bad... but … it will get better… at least I hope so… but right now… I just need to apologize and accept I fucked up. Royally fucked up. I hope you understand”  
Tommy took a few moments to catch his breath before he continued;  
“Oh look… Phil’s streaming. Why don’t you head over there, chat? Probably a lot funnier than I’d be”  
He managed to fake a little crooked smile before he turned his camera and stream off.  
The deafening silent felt like a cold viscous liquid that flooded everything around him, down his throat and clogging his lung.  
“Was that… alright?”, he asked the only person who could hear him right now, who had been on call secretly all the time.  
“It was, Tommy”, Wilbur said. He didn’t quite as disappointed as he did yesterday.  
“You should talk to Tubbo now. I’ll add him to the call…”  
“No”, Tommy said, trying to collect his thoughts. They had drifted off like clouds, and he felt a darkness creeping upon him he often felt when he lost his thoughts… a certain emptiness that swallowed it all.  
“No? Tommy, you promised…”, Wilbur started scolding him, but Tommy interrupted him.  
“I’m gonna apologize to him. But I wanna talk to him alone. Without you there. Sorry”  
“Well… I guess that’s fair. Catch you later?”  
“I don’t think so. Sorry, Wilbur”  
“It’s quite alright, Tommy. See you”  
Tommy hung up without saying Good Bye to Wilbur and immediately called Tubbo.

“Tubbo? Did you listen to me on stream?”  
“I did, I did”  
Tubbo was lying on his bed, talking over his phone. Dysphoria was pretty bad today and he didn’t feel like getting up.  
“And…?”  
“Thank you, Tommy”, Tubbo said. “It’s good that you said that”  
“It’s more important for me to apologize to you, Tubbo. I… I’m really sorry. I didn’t wanna make you uncomfortable. Feel bad in any way. I fucked up. It was stupid of me to assume you’d find it funny in any shape or form… Especially after you told me to stop once…”  
Tubbo sighed and rolled onto his back.  
“I’m gonna be real with you, Tommy. This afternoon, I had a call with Wilbur. I know you two talked about this whole shebang last night”  
Tommy didn’t answer.  
Tubbo didn’t know everything they talked about. Wilbur had told him there was some stuff, Tommy wouldn’t want Wilbur to talk about with other people. Private stuff apparently. Wilbur said:  
“If Tommy wants to share it, he’ll tell you personally. That’s better, probably”  
But Tommy had no idea Tubbo didn’t know. And making Tommy a little nervous and frighted felt good to Tubbo. Tommy kinda deserved it.  
“Y-you did? W-what’d you talk about?” Tommy stuttered. Tommy never stuttered in real conversation. He had to be really, really nervous.  
“About what you did. And that we’re both sick of you doing stuff like that all the time. Wilbur seemed really… exhausted with you”  
“Tubbo… I… I’m gonna tell you… I’m not doing great at the moment… lot’s of stress, you know? I just… snapped. Did some… stupid stuff. I’m also… I’m also sorry for saying you were uncomfortable with your sexuality… and all the other shit I hit you with”  
Tubbo felt his fingers shaking, and he put his phone down to hold on to a pillow. He had prepared for this moment, practised it even, with Wilbur, but doing it right now was soo much harder.  
“Wilbur said you were having an… identity crisis, I think he called it? Didn’t he?”  
Tommy made a grumbling affirmation noise.  
“Is this… about sexuality, Tommy? Is this why you brought all of this up in the first place?”  
Tubbo new he hat hit the bull’s eye when Tommy answered a very, very broken “Maybe”.  
“Why wouldn’t you talk to talk about this with me, Big man? Don’t you trust me?”  
“I trust you, Tubbo! I really do. I was afraid talking about this weird stuff… could make you… you know… uncomfortable?”  
Tubbo couldn’t hold back a little laugh. “Oh? So privately talking to me about your problems and feelings would make me uncomfortable, but humiliating me in front of a hundred thousand people by making these nasty comments wouldn’t?”  
“Tubbo, I’m an idiot. I know”  
“The biggest idiot I know, to be honest”, Tubbo answered, and even tho he was still angry at Tommy, he had to smile at him.  
“I… I asked Wilbur whether this was a good idea… and he said yes…”  
That was a lie. Wilbur came up with the idea and had to convince Tubbo to say yes.  
“I have an idea to help you… with your… crisis”  
“You do?”, Tommy asked. He sounded relieved Tubbo wasn’t crying or screaming, and even though he still seemed on edge, he was open to listening.  
“You wanna find out if you could date a guy? Easy. Go on a date with a guy”  
Tommy was speechless. “Date a guy? Tubbo you’re being ridiculous. I… I can’t. Where would I even find a guy that…”  
“You’re so dense. I’m a guy, am I not?”

The tension in the Discord call was palpable.  
Tommy sat in his chair, fingers dug into his armrests, but Tubbo’s answer was so out of left field, he let go and sat straight up.  
“Tubbo…”  
This had to be Wilbur’s idea. Wilbur had told Tubbo to do this. Wilbur was an idiot.  
“You don’t have to…”  
“No, Tommy. I don’t. I really don’t. Maybe I shouldn’t. But listen, big man. I want to”  
“You do?”  
Tommy was, and he couldn’t believe it, even more nervous than before he started his apology stream.  
“I do, Tommy. The weekend is a day away. Will you go on a date with me?”

Summer had turned to autumn and the leaves of the trees had rusted into auburn and golden shades.  
Tubbo had stood up from his bench, the box chocolates in one hand, fishing out his phone from his pocket with the other hand.  
“I’m late” Tommy’s latest text said.  
“Yeah no kidding”, Tubbo said. It had been over 15 minutes.  
Tommy was late for everything. Even to the things that didn’t have a fixed time. But Tubbo still expected him to be on time for this. At least this.  
“TUBBO!”  
He turned around and saw a young man power-walk in his direction.  
Tommy was wearing a button-up shirt and was holding a small bouquet of flowers.  
Tubbo couldn’t believe his eyes. Tommy’s hair looked COMBED.  
“You’re here”, he said, and he could feel how breathless he was, even tho he hadn’t moved an inch.  
“I am”, Tommy smiled, his cheeks blushed as he finally arrived at the bench.  
He looked so dorky in his shirt, swaying from foot to the other.  
With a stiff arm, he extended the flowers to Tubbo, who couldn’t not giggle at that site.  
“For… you… big man”  
Tubbo giggled and took the flowers. “Thank you so much, Tommy” He smelly them and immediately felt his nose jamming up. Allergies.  
“Wilbur’s idea?” Tommy nodded.  
He handed his box of chocolates to Tommy, who blushed even more and smiled.  
Tommy avoided direct eye contact. “Thanks, mate…” Then he managed a little smile.  
“Wilbur’s idea?” Tubbo nodded and both burst out into laughter.


	7. Tubbo takes Tommy out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (CW: this, the next and probably a few other upcoming chapters will contain mentions of menstruation, period pains etc)
> 
> Tommy's and Tubbo's first date goes great  
> As their second one approaches, everything threatens to go downhill again
> 
> (Thanks to everyone for their support. So many people have read, kudos'd and commented on this story and I am over the moon. You can't understand how happy this makes me. I have never, ever received nearly as much appreciation and support for anything I did, and you people are incredible. See you next time. You're wonderful <3)  
> (P.S: It is currently 4.30 am and I feel like I'm able to smell colours now. Pros: the later the easier it is for me to write emotional scenes. Cons: the later the more my English detiriorates - you have been warned)

“You’re having fun, aren’t you?”  
Tubbo grinned.  
“That’s a joke, innit? This is great!”  
Tommy was blushing and hid half his face behind his glass.  
Today they had gone for a long walk in the park (Tommy’s idea), visited a small zoo (Wilbur’s idea) and finally now were sitting in a restaurant (Tubbo’s idea).  
Tubbo had had an amazing day.  
It wasn’t too different from hanging out normally, apart from both boys being a little bit more formal. It wasn’t put-on behaviour, it was real. It was just another side of them they normally didn’t use around each other.  
Tubbo still liked it.  
“And…”, continued Tubbo, “You went on a date with a guy and it wasn’t awkward”  
“It wasn’t”, Tommy smiled, not looking directly at him.  
“But I mean… it’s you. Of course, it wouldn’t be awkward, would it?”  
“What do you mean?”, Tubbo asked confused. “This is still a real date, Tommy. At least to me, it is. It’s not just a pretend game to get you used to it”  
Tommy blushed. He did that quite a lot when Tubbo was honest about his feelings.  
“Really? It’s not?”  
Tubbo looked at Tommy, he couldn’t believe what he just heard.  
“Tommy! You’re joking. You can’t tell me after this beautiful day you were just pretending to…”  
“No, I wasn’t, Tubbo”  
Tommy looked shocked as he realized how Tubbo had interpreted his words.  
“That’s not what I meant at all!”  
“It better not be” Tubbo was feeling a little upset, but he was hoping Tommy would have an explanation.  
“Listen, Tubbo. I… I really wanted to go on a date with you. It’s a lot easier because it’s you, not because it’s just pretend. Because I know you. Because I can trust you in every situation. For me… this has been a real date all the time… I was afraid it wasn’t for you. I thought… you were only pretending to ask me out to do me a favour and…”  
“Shut up”, Tubbo said and sighed. “Listen, Mr Innit. I asked you on a date because I wanted to. Yeah… the situation just happened to be right… but”  
He took a deep breath.  
“Who’s to say I wouldn’t have otherwise?”  
“You what?” Tommy stared at him, not believing what he just heard.  
“Who’s to say I wouldn’t have asked you eventually?” Tubbo said, with a little smile.  
“You would have? Me? Tubbo…”  
Tubbo giggled and finished his pasta.

They were on their way back to the train station, the darkness of the night had almost completely swallowed the sky.  
“Tubbo… thank you so much. This was an incredible day”  
“It was. It was” Tubbo was so happy when he suddenly felt a surprising touch at his left arm.  
Tommy took his hand and intertwined their fingers.  
“Tommy…” Tubbo didn’t stop him, and as he looked up, Tommy’s crystals eyes were sparkling back at him. “This is a date, after all? Didn’t feel like it just now… until now”  
Tubbo felt that he now was the one blushing, but he walked on, as his stomach was going from really hot to really cold and back in a matter of seconds.  
They had reached the train station and as they waited at the platform, their hands were still linked.  
They only detached when Tommy’s train rolled into the station, and they hugged Good Bye.  
“Tommy… this was an amazing first date. Thank you!”  
Tommy smiled, softly. “First?”  
Tubbo grinned from ear to ear. “You didn’t expect it to be our last, did you?”

For a couple of days, Tubbo was doing really, really well. He missed Tommy, but he knew it wouldn’t be long until they met up again.  
They didn’t really talk about their date to each other, and even to Wilbur, who really was to thank for all of this happening, they remained mostly silent. They told him the basic stuff they did and that they enjoyed it, but they kept quiet about their plans for a second date and how good it made them feel.  
The morning after they met, Tubbo woke up to a text Tommy had sent in the middle of the night, obviously unable to sleep.  
“Tubbo I think I might be gay”  
“You think?”  
On the other hand, Tubbo was a lot more relaxed. Every day, he put the shirt he wore on the date back on, watching himself in the mirror.  
He certainly wasn’t at the point of downright loving himself, but he admitted; he didn’t look half bad in it.  
He took a picture and sent it to Tommy, who responded with a smiley face and a simple:  
“You look even better than your Minecraft skin does”  
He was glad they could joke about that weird thing again.

The nervousness, however, came back two weeks later.  
It was Thursday, and Tommy and Tubbo were casually chatting in a call when Tommy dropped the line  
“Would you fancy coming over for the weekend? You know… like… a second date thing?”  
“You really think you still need to ask?” Of course, I’m coming!”  
But on Friday night, things didn’t look quite as rosy.  
Tubbo was lying on his bed, holding his tummy, waiting for the pain killers to finally set in. They didn’t. They never did.  
His shark week had become more and more irregular as he was talking t for a while now, but the odd time that it did happen, it was just as painful and unbearable as it been before he started hormone replacement therapy.  
He wiped his tears away as he heard his phone went off and picked it up. It was a message from Wilbur.  
“Tubbo where are you? We were gonna stream at eight. It’s almost been an hour. Everything alright, mate?”  
Tubbo hadn’t mentioned his shark week struggles to Tommy yet.  
Tommy had educated himself a lot on trans issues in the last three months, had learned most of the terms and plenty about the journey of a trans masc person, but Tubbo didn’t feel ready to bring up the topic that was most troubling for him. And Tommy had never asked about it.  
He knew he would feel bet about this afterwards because he talked to Wilbur before he talked to Tommy, but right now he needed ANYONE to talk, and he just wasn’t ready confronting Tommy.  
“Wilbur, can you call me, please? In private. I am fine. I just need someone to talk”  
Wilbur did, pretty much immediately.  
“Tubbo… please tell me what’s going on. I’m not convinced you’re doing completely fine”  
Tubbo gasped for air and he realized how much he was crying by how bad he was at talking right now.  
“Tubbo… please… I know this is a lot, but I can hardly understand you. Could you… talk a little slower, please?”  
“Wilbur… Tommy… Tommy asked me out… on a second date… tomorrow”  
Wilbur sounded excited, yet concerned. “Tubbo… Tubbo that’s amazing! Everything’s going well, then?”  
“It is… but… but…” Tubbo pressed his face into a pillow as the pain got more intense.  
“I’m afraid I can’t go. I feel like shit”  
“Are you feeling sick?”, Wilbur asked.  
“Worse”, Tubbo said. “Shark week”


	8. Tommy doubts himself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (CW: Menstruation, implied self-harm)
> 
> Tubbo is feeling like shit  
> Tommy is feeling like shit because of that
> 
> Thanks to everyone for the heaps of support. You are the best, guys <3

The cramps and the anxiety had made Tubbo cry before. But now, that he was able to open up, it was like a dam that had only leaked was torn apart by a riptide.  
He cried and cried and he choked on his own tears.  
He couldn’t formulate a single sentence with more than seven words and he had trouble understanding Wilbur, while the blood in his ears kept droning and the sound of his own cries drowned out the rest.  
“Tubbo… Tubbo… it’s okay. Let it all out. I know this is a hard time. We’ll get through it, okay? Do you hear me Tubbo? Please promise not to give up”  
Wilbur sounded genuinely upset.  
He always was there when him or Tommy or even one of the others needed someone to vent to, let out their frustration, anxiety, stress and anger. Sometimes sadness.  
Wilbur always managed to keep calm and collected and gave great advise. He was really empathic, but he had managed to hide how much his friend’s stories moved them, in order to remain a solid foundation for them to lean on.  
Today his facade broke.  
“Tubbo. Please. Promise you won’t do anything… stupid. I am here with you. We will get through this”  
Tubbo nodded and as he realised Wilbur couldn’t see him, he choked out a: “Yes, I promise. I am safe. I just…” He gasped for air and felt his insides burn and freeze at the same time.  
“This is the best thing to happen to me. And because my body hates me, I can’t go. Everything’s ruined” It took him a solid minute to bring out those three sentences because he had to start over again and again.  
“Tubbo, do you wanna talk to Tommy?”, Wilbur asked carefully. He had noticed Tubbo had chosen him, not Tommy, to talk to about this.  
“I don’t know. I feel like… he should know… but… we never talked about… shark week. I can’t talk to him about that”  
“Would it be okay… would it be okay for you if I talked to him first? I would give him… the basic gist… tell him what not to say, maybe… and then you can talk?”, Wilbur asked carefully.  
“No… he’s in a stream right now. I don’t want him to interrupt that for my stupid little problem…”  
“I will talk to him. Stay right there, Tubbo”  
Wilbur hung up and left Tubbo even more nervous than before.

Tommy was on the SMP, minding his business with a few other guys when Wilbur joined their VC.  
“Hey sorry guys, I’m back. Uh… Tubbo’s not coming tonight. Something personal came up. But I’m sure we can do this thing without him for now”  
Tommy was confused. Something personal came up? “Wilbur, what’s going on?”  
“Tommy”, Wilbur said. He tried his authoritarian, sincere voice (the one he knew always worked on intimidating Tommy) but today he was a lot less confident.  
“Tommy, this isn’t something to discuss on stream, and you know it”  
Tommy looked away. Wilbur was right.  
“I’m sorry, you’re right. Could you dm me what’s going on?”  
“I already am, Tommy. Now let’s stop this and continue with whatever you guys had prepared for tonight”  
But Tommy had trouble focussing on the bit him and the other boys were doing because he was dming with Wilbur during it and what Wilbur told him was too distracting.  
“Tubbo isn’t doing great. There are a few things you guys need to talk about”  
“Why isn’t he talking to me?”, Tommy answered. He was a little upset, that Tubbo seemed to have preferred talking to the “school counsellor” to him.  
“He saw you were streaming and didn’t want to interrupt you”  
Tommy looked away from the stream. Now he felt bad for being upset at Tubbo.  
“But should I interrupt stream?”  
“That’s pretty much up to you”, Wilbur answered. Oh, well. Great.  
“Is it bad?”  
“Kinda”, Wilbur said, “I should probably prep you, but it’s your choice if you wanna do it now or later”  
Tommy’s fingers curled up angrily but he tried saving face on stream. He hated being left in the dark. He also hated hearing about Tubbo feeling bad and being unable to do anything about it.  
“Can it wait? Or is it something urgent”  
“I mean it could wait”, Wilbur responded, “But that probably won’t make it easier for Tubbo”  
Tommy sighed and leaned back. He was looking at the stream, the stuff he was currently doing and the numbers he was making. He hadn’t had this many viewers in almost a month.  
He wanted to slap himself. This wasn’t about him or his viewers. This was about Tubbo.  
From the sound of it, Tubbo needed help. And would Tommy be the kind of best friend to ignore his call for help for another two to three hours just to play some Minecraft?

“That was pretty mature of you to do”, Wilbur said as him and Tommy were in a private call. Tommy had ended stream.  
“It was the only right thing to do”, Tommy said, half annoyed at being praised by Wilbur as if he was a little child, half on edge because he needed to know what was going on with Tubbo.  
“Spit it out, Will. What’s the situation with Tubbo?”  
“Tommy, you know what getting your period”, Wilbur started softly.  
“Of course I do, I’m not an idiot. It’s when once a month women do…”  
“Yeah, yeah”, Wilbur interrupted him before he went into too much probably inaccurate detail.  
“But you know… since they have the same… apparatus… trans guys do, too. And for some of them, it is not just uncomfortable, it can be downright hell”  
Tommy felt like he was put on ice. He wasn’t even close to being prepared for this.  
“Tubbo…?”  
He had no idea how to deal with this?!  
He didn’t have a sister or close girl friends that ever talked to him about this kinda stuff. He couldn’t handle this situation in the slightest.  
“But I thought Tubbo took hormones to… you know… make him have a body that works like a man’s…”  
Wilbur sighed. “Yeah… but from what I know, it can take months or sometimes years to completely stop. And from what Tubbo told me… it hasn’t really for him. And it’s not fun”  
Tommy felt how nervous he had become. His fingers were shaking. Images of Tubbo in pain, anxious, shaking, possibly crying filled his mind.  
“I can’t. I mean I want to. I really really want to. But I can’t talk to Tubbo right now”  
“What?”, Wilbur didn’t sound just surprised. He sounded angry.  
“You plan on taking this boy out on a date but you don’t wanna be there for him when he’s doing really really badly? Tommy, I would’ve expected more from you!”  
“Listen, Wilbur”, Tommy tried to reason with him, but he knew it wouldn’t be easy.  
“I can’t because I have no idea what to say. I am terrible at comforting people. I can’t talk to them, can’t say anything to cheer them up, distract them or validate them and their feelings. It just… I freeze. I freeze and stare and I don’t know what to do. I am terrible at this emotional stuff. I hate that I am, but I just am. I can’t help Tubbo because I have no idea how to. I am afraid listening to him sad and anxious and in pain will just make me say stupid stuff and make everything ten times worse”  
Tommy had stumbled over his own tongue a lot, he often started rambling and running his words together when he was nervous or upset, and Wilbur understood what was going on.  
“Please. Try to. Just be there for him. Listen to him. He needs you, Tommy. He really needs you”  
“I can’t even give him a hug for crying out loud!”, Tommy complained. “Whenever we’re hanging out and he gets upset I can at least give him a hug or something. Make him feel better. But now… I can only be in a call with him, being awkward and making everything worse”  
“Calm down, Tommy”, Wilbur said. “We will both go and talk to Tubbo, okay? If this is okay with you. I can try to help you keep calm and maybe… assist you in talking to Tubbo?”  
“Thank you, Wilbur - this means the world to me.

When Tubbo saw that Tommy and Wilbur called him, he felt a feeling in his stomach that had nothing to do with his cramps. He picked up.  
“Tubbo!”, Tommy exclaimed, his voice shaking. “Listen, Tubbo. I’m here. Whatever happens, I’m here now”  
“Your stream…”, Tubbo said worried, but Tommy brushed it off.  
“Fuck my stream. You are ten times more important than any stream. Wilbur told me… you were having trouble with… what did he call it?”  
“Shark week”, Tubbo said. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you…”  
“Tubbo. I can’t blame you. I never would. I know this is harder for you to talk about than anything - and I mean this if I say it - harder than anything I ever had to talk about”

At this moment, Wilbur was really, really proud of Tommy.


	9. Tommy does whatever he can

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After all the angst I felt like you deserve a more happy chapter~  
> Enjoy, friends
> 
> Tommy is scared to disappoint Tubbo  
> But mainly he is scared to disappoint himself  
> Tubbo doesn't mind

Tommy was stressing out. His and Tubbo’s second date had been postponed, but when they finally met up, it was nice.  
Just nice.  
Whenever Tubbo did something it was special, beautiful, romantic.  
They were meeting almost every weekend now and he was more than happy to take the long trip to Tubbo’s house, as long as Tubbo was fine with doing all the preparations. Which he was.  
Tubbo had prepared great dinners, taken Tommy to romantic places in the woods, at the beach, they’d done everything.  
The few times they had been at Tommy’s had been a disappointment.  
Tubbo never said anything, and he’d genuinely seem happy when he was with Tommy, but Tommy didn’t trust him that this was really genuine.  
It was Thursday night, very late, and tomorrow Tubbo would arrive to stay the entire weekend.  
Tommy had set out to finally ask Tubbo to be his real, actual boyfriend.  
They hung out a lot, did romantic stuff, held hands and one or two times they even cuddled while watching a film.  
But Tommy wanted this to be a real, official, permanent thing.  
Big problem; he had no idea how to do it.  
He was rolling from one side of the bed to the other, his head to full to find a good idea but too empty to hope there would even be a bad one.  
Resigned, he let out a sign, got up to get a glass of water and checked his Twitter feed.  
How peculiar… Wilbur had posted something less than 5 minutes ago. Was he still awake?  
He decided to give it a try and called Wilbur.  
“Are you mental, Tommathy Innit? Have you looked at the time? It’s half past…”  
“I know, I know, big man. I need your help”  
“Again? What did you do?” Wilbur still sounded tired and annoyed, but at least amused enough to give him a listen.  
“Nothing, that’s the problem. Tubbo’s coming over for the weekend”  
“I know. You told me. 17 times”  
He could hear the sound of what he presumed was Wilbur sitting up in his bed and flicking on his lights.  
“If this is all you’re gonna tell me, I’ll hit the hay. Thank you very much”  
“No, Wilbur, listen!! I really do need your help. You’re so good at this romance and love stuff. I don’t know jack shit”  
“You can say that again” Wilbur led out a dry, raspy laugh.  
“I wanna ask Tubbo to be my boyfriend tomorrow. Like all proper and shit”  
“It’s about time, isn’t it?”, Wilbur said.  
Tommy loved being sarcastic and sly, but he hated it when other people were it to him. Especially Wilbur. Mainly because he was so much better at it.  
“Listen to me. My parents are out until Sunday. I wanted to make a fancy dinner, go somewhere romantic at night and shit like that. Tubbo’d lose his mind”  
Will laughed. “And you prepared nothing yet”  
“Fuck you”, Tommy said, “Tubbo is so good at this stuff. All our dates that he prepared were so good. All of mine were so boring”  
Wilbur took a deep breath. “Listen to me, lover boy. Oh and better get a pen and paper, you might wanna take notes.

“YOU did that?”  
Tubbo could not believe his eyes as he saw the dinner Tommy had prepared.  
Tommy was grinning his crooked smile, swaying from one foot to the other.  
“Well yeah… I took some inspirations from the internet and combined the things that sounded best”  
Tubbo and Tommy had only tried to cook something together once, and Tubbo was still feeling the burns on his left hand. He couldn’t believe someone as clumsy as Tommy who had no idea how to boil an egg could’ve prepared a dinner like that.  
Sure, it wasn’t the most breathtaking thing he ever did see, but he was still impressed.  
He hugged Tommy tightly who clearly did not anticipate that because he nearly lost balance and toppled over.  
“You’re amazing, Tommy”, Tubbo grinned up at him. He got onto his toes and left a little peck on Tommy’s left cheek before he let go and sat down.  
Tommy stared at Tubbo, obviously still awestruck by that little kiss.  
“Sit down, you big oaf. It’s getting cold”  
And Tommy did.

They watched a film after dinner, and Tubbo managed to inch closer to Tommy during the fast half of it, so close he was basically sitting on Tommy’s lap.  
That’s when Tommy put his arm around him, and Tubbo could feel a warmth radiating from his core to even the furthest tips of his hair.  
“You’re nice and warm”, he said, pressing his face into Tommy’s jumper.  
He could not see how much he made the other boy blush.

Tommy bit his lip and couldn’t take his eyes off Tubbo, who was now basically crawling into Tommy, until he was sat on Tommy’s thighs, with both of Tommy’s arms around him.  
It wasn’t fair. Why was Tubbo this god-damn cute? Too much. Simply too much.  
“Tubbo… don’t you wanna watch the film?”, he jokes, but Tubbo just shook his head as he pressed his face into Tommy’s chest, burying his nose in Tommy’s jumper.  
“Are you cold?”  
“Maybe a little”, Tubbo admitted.  
Tommy knew he wasn’t, he just wanted a hug.  
Tommy hated physical contact most of the time, but this right now… this was incredible. It felt so good. So natural. Tubbo was so small and soft in his arms and if he hadn’t planned more for the night, he wouldn’t have been sure if he ever had let go.

They forgot the time and by the time, Tommy slowly made Tubbo detach from in, he had held onto Tommy like Koala for almost an hour.  
They had just sat there, enjoyed their closeness, the music that had still been playing from the speakers and the warmth of Tommy’s comfy living room.  
Now they were out in the forest. It was cold as ice, the first really chilly nights of the year had arrived in England.  
Tubbo walked really close to Tommy, who hadn’t told him where they were heading.  
Tubbo really missed the feeling of Tommy all around him, like a big, comfy, loving nest he could curl up inside of.  
This better be worth it.  
At least there was no rain or fog. The air was dry and crisp, and the cloudless sky was illuminated by the big round full moon and a billion tiny, sparkling stars.  
Away from the city centre, there were a lot more stars to see than Tubbo normally saw, even if many of them were hidden by the black shapes that were the tops of the trees.  
“Almost there”, Tommy said, as the path wound up a hill to what looked like crooked pillars of stone. But they were intentionally angled because he soon recognized them as broken arches.  
Tommy took his hand again, and because it had been in his pocket all the way up here, Tommy’s hand was warm in comfy in Tubbo’s much colder, shivering one.  
He pulled him across the big clearing, leaving the ruins behind them.  
“What is this place, Tommy?”, Tubbo asked, still looking around for more clues.  
“I believe it’s the ruins of a medieval monastery. It’s cooler to look at in daylight, but there is a place I wanted to show you that is… perfect at night”  
Tubbo followed him, still doubtful over all of this, but then he saw what Tommy wanted to show him:  
One of the arches, a really tall one that reached way up into the clear sky, was still intact, complete, with its keystone still sat enthroned many feet above them.  
“Tubbo… I have a question for you”


	10. Tubbo says yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy wants to make it official.  
> Tubbo officially out-mans Tommy.
> 
> Thank you for everything and see you next time you wonderful people <3

The sky above them was a sea of billions of little lights, glowing like fireflies, and as Tubbo looked down from the sky and the magnificent arch, they sparkled as little reflections in Tommy’s dreamy blue eyes.  
“You have a question for me?”  
It was unbelievably quiet. The wind had stopped and there were neither rustling in the branches of the trees nor the sounds of creatures in the night.  
He couldn’t even hear the motorway in the valley beneath them.  
It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence though.  
It felt really good. As if the whole had just taken a deep, relaxing breath, and every tension ever fell from Tubbo’s shoulders.  
“Tubbo… the last weeks… months… have been incredible” Tommy clearly took his time with every word, but Tubbo didn’t mind. They were in no hurry.  
“Listen… and I do mean it as I say it… all the times we spent together… I’ve never been this happy before. You make so incredibly happy, Tubbo. You really too”  
“Aww, Tommy!”, Tubbo giggled, “I couldn’t agree more. I’ve never felt this good. Never felt this comfortable in my skin. I never liked touching anyone. Or being myself. But… with you… it feels so good. All my anxieties… melt away”  
Tommy was blushing deeply, and even in the colour robbing blue light of the moon his cheeks were visibly darker.  
He clearly struggled not to grin like an idiot and covered his face with his big hands.  
“Goddammit, Tubbo, you’re gonna make me cry. You’re too nice”  
Tubbo giggled, and softly pulled down Tommy’s hands. “It’s true tho. It is”  
They stood there for a little while, looking into each other’s eyes until Tubbo carefully asked: “Tommy… you wanted to ask me something?”  
Tommy gulped and nodded eagerly.  
“Tubbo… listen. I don’t know… fuck I’ve never done this… but… would… I don’t know… do you wanna... “ He turned away and took a deep breath, before looking back down at Tubbo.  
“Do you wanna be my boyfriend? Like… all proper and shit”  
Now Tubbo was the one who couldn’t stop a grin grow on his face and he giggled like an idiot. He never ever had felt this good.  
He took a step forward, got on his tippy toes, carefully put his hands around Tommy’s jaw, pulling him slightly down, and kissed him.  
It wasn’t a long kiss, it wasn’t intense or scandalous.  
It was short and it was sweet, and when Tubbo pulled away, Tommy’s legs seemed to have capitulated, as he leaned forward and held onto Tubbo’s shoulders for a moment before he caught himself and stood straight up again.  
“Tubbo… wow… you… you kissed me”  
Tubbo grinned. “Just looks like I did”  
“Wow… that was… that felt so good”  
Tubbo giggled. He was feeling really giddy, even more than usual when he was around Tommy.  
“Should we do it again, Tommy?”, he asked, and Tommy nodded.  
“Y-yes! But… one question. Was that a yes?”  
Tubbo laughed. “It was a yes, you idiot. Of course I wanna be your boyfriend. All proper and shit”, he said, mimicking Tommy’s accent.  
And then Tubbo kissed Tommy’s stupid, grinning face again under that old archway.

When Tubbo woke up the next morning, he was feeling a warm presence all around him.  
Last night was clouded in the fog of warm, happy memories, and his brumous brain needed a moment to adjust and figure out where he was.  
He was in Tommy’s bed. And that warmth around him was Tommy, who had snuggled up to him this night, face pressed into Tubbo’s neck and his arms around Tubbo, but not tight enough to squeeze him.  
Luckily, Tommy’s hands were significantly underneath Tubbo’s chest because he wasn’t sure he would be feeling all that comfy with his new boyfriend touching that area of his. At least not right now.  
This is also when he noticed that he wasn’t too drunk on love last night to forget to put off his binder, and was instead wearing a big, puffy jumper to hide his unwanted curves.  
It took him a few more seconds to recognize this sweater as Tommy’s, not his.  
He felt his cheeks heat up, but he didn’t mind. It was warm, super comfy and it probably smelled like Tommy too.  
Kind of hard to tell with him still being in Tommy’s bed and also surrounded by Tommy on three sides.  
He laid there still for a while until he felt really awake.  
He turned around to Tommy’s soft, still sleeping face. He was so cute.  
Tubbo smiled and kissed his boyfriend to wake up.  
Tommy took a while, but when he did, he seemed just as surprised as Tubbo about where and how close they’ve been.  
“Wow… what a way to wake up”, he commented, and Tubbo grinned.  
“I agree. Could get used to that. Pity I have to wait until we’re both old enough to move out to get this regularly”  
Tommy laughed and rubbed his still sleepy eyes.  
“Let’s stay like this for a little longer, okay? It’s way too cosy to already get up for breakfast”  
Tubbo agreed and they cuddled for a little longer until Tommy carefully put his hand under Tubbo’s chin, pressed his face up very gently, gave him a short kiss, before saying.  
“Tubbo… you’re growing a beard”

He was.  
Tubbo was incredulous at first, but now that they were both in the bathroom, staring at the mirror, he couldn’t deny it.  
The lightest of shadows had sprouted on his upper lip, a little peach fuzz. Testosterone really did its wonders.  
“Looks like someone’s upgrading from a big man to a really big man”, Tommy commented and grinned back at Tubbo.  
“I can’t believe it. I never expected it to grow that quickly. How do I look? It’s barely noticeable, is it?”  
Tommy giggled, watching his boyfriend freak out over that little fuzz.  
“Do you wanna keep it or shave it?”, he carefully asked, hoping for the latter. He wasn’t a fan of beards on guys, especially not moustaches, but he knew he would like Tubbo with whatever style of facial hair or lack thereof.  
“I don’t think I want a beard right. Especially cause it won’t grow all that much right now. Better shave it off. I can always decide to let it grow out once there is more of it… in more places”  
Tommy nodded and smiled. “I think that’s probably the best call. Wait, let me get you my shaving kit so I can show you how it works”

Tubbo knew how to handle a razor, but he still let Tommy teach him because he looked really cute with his proud smile as Tubbo managed to scrub off those three baby hairs on his upper lip.  
“This shaving set of yours looks awfully unused. And come to think of it… your chin and jaw look pretty smooth too. Have you even used this before?”  
Tommy blushed and put the shaving kit away quickly. “Shut up, Tubbo” He was still smiling, tho.  
“To think I get a beard before you. And you don’t even need Androgel to grow it”  
Now Tommy really looked a little upset, so Tubbo got on his toes and kissed his boyfriend on the cheek to cheer him up.  
It worked. Of course it did.


	11. Tommy takes care of Tubbo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CW: See chapter notes
> 
> Tubbo has a terrible mishap.  
> Tommy handles it surprisingly well, at least for now.
> 
> See you next time, you wonderful people <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1st CW: This and especially the following chapter will include several mentions of afab pre-op chests. Characters will talk about and touch these areas in these chapters and also in a positive way. None of these scenes will be of sexual nature as it won't be erotic for anyone evolved. It will mainly be about personal body acceptance/image and positive sensory interactions. These characters are old enough for relationships in their country (and mine for that matter), but I'm not intending on writing child porn here. Just so you're warned.  
> 2nd CW: In this chapter especially there will be a lot of internalized transphobia on Tubbo's edge. He will on multiple occasions describe himself as "not a real boy". If this shouldn't be clear by now: I am trans myself and this does not reflect my opinions on trans-masc people in the slightest. It's just what being trans sometimes feels (felt) like, from personal experience.  
> Again, if any of this sounds like it could upset you; Read at your own risk!

Tommy was downstairs preparing breakfast when it happened.  
Tubbo was getting ready, and right now he was in Tommy's room, pulling off his jumper and taking a deep breath.  
He looked into the mirror, where he could clearly see his upper body, completely bare.  
Disgusting.  
He felt like a liar. This was a side of him Tommy hadn’t seen yet. It’s not like he didn’t know about it, of course, he did. But they never EVER talked about it.  
Tubbo hated how he looked. He was so incredibly ugly. So incredibly disgusting. He just wanted them gone, and wanted them gone now.  
A tiny voice told him Tommy only liked him because he hadn’t seen… this… yet.  
He would leave him if he did. Heck, imagine them cuddling and Tommy touching them as he reached around Tubbo.  
He cringed and took a deep breath. That would not happen. At least not without a binder.  
Speaking of which, Tubbo turned around and picked it up. It was black, tight and pretty worn out.  
It wasn’t his first or only binder, but he had been wearing it for over two years now and it showed. Parts of the elastic material had been stretched one too many times and dangled around loosely, and ever since Tubbo had gained a little weight on his upper body due to T, it was even tighter.  
His shoulders were broader, too.  
Putting it on always was a struggle, and he made the mental note to order a new one once he was home tomorrow night. He should also bring two the next time he was visiting Tommy. You know? Just in case.

Tommy was just done mixing the pancake batter when he heard what could be described between a curse, cry and scream.  
He dropped the empty milk carton and ran up to where it originated; his room. And Tubbo.  
Tubbo was kneeling on the floor, shirtless, his arms wrapped around his body, turned away from the door and staring at the floor. He sounded like he was starting to cry.  
Next to him laid his binder, and Tommy didn’t need to have a second look; the old, worn-out fabric, which according to Tubbo had been low quality all the time, anyway, had torn.  
One tear, down the front, top to bottom, probably just when Tubbo was trying to pull it on.  
Tommy felt hot flashed on his face as a million thoughts crashed onto him like a wave that broke over his head.  
What was he supposed to do now? He didn’t have a binder Tubbo could borrow. Tubbo didn’t bring two, did he? Judging by the situation clearly not.  
Oh fuck. Tubbo’s crying.  
Should he hug him? But what if he… touched it? He didn’t want to. At least he didn’t want it if Tubbo didn’t want him to.  
And he knew he didn’t. He always was really careful when hugging his boyfriend from behind, especially if Tubbo wasn’t binding.  
Tubbo once told him how he felt when his chest wasn’t flat around others. He had been around him without a binder again and again since Tubbo wouldn’t do it over night.  
Oh FUCK. Tubbo’s CRYING.  
Without a binder? For another day? Oh no. TWO more days. Would Tubbo make it? Would Tommy make it?  
Stop thinking about yourself you idiot. Your boyfriend is literally crying ON THE FLOOR in front of you and you are doing NOTHING except standing there like the biggest bitch ever.  
Tommy dropped to his knees next to Tubbo, as he slowly got closer. He didn’t dare to put his arms around Tubbo, but he softly laid them around his sides, with his hands resting beside him.  
Tubbo immediately eased up, if only just a little, as he leaned back into Tommy’s bigger, stronger frame. He cried more.  
Should he turn him around? Kiss him? Dry his face?  
But wouldn’t that make matters worse? He would surely touch Tubbo’s chest in the process.  
He also was pretty sure Tubbo didn’t want him to see it. And there was no way around if he turned him right now.  
“Tubbo… Tubbo I’m so fucking sorry”  
He gave Tubbo a very soft kiss on his cheek. He could feel how much Tubbo’s face was shaking from crying and panic.

“Don’t look at me, Tommy, I’m disgusting”  
“You’re not disgusting, Tubbo. You’re beautiful. The most beautiful boy ever”  
“I’m not even a boy”, Tubbo responded, and he gasped for air. He wanted to shake off Tommy’s warm “hug” and just run away. Jump off the balcony, probably that’d be the save choice here.  
“Shut up. You are a boy. You’re a big man. The biggest. Probably even bigger than me”  
Tommy tried but failed, to cheer him up a little.  
“I should go”, Tubbo gasped, but he didn’t leave Tommy’s warm, soft touch as he planned. It felt too good to let go just now.  
“NO!”, Tommy said, firmly. Then, a lot softer: “Please don’t Tubbo. I know you have trouble being around people without your binder… but please… don’t. We can make it work. I promise. Don’t leave”  
Suddenly Tubbo felt bad. Not that his binder broke. But for Tommy. If only Tubbo was a real boy, this wouldn’t have happened. He could be around Tommy or anyone else without a binder. Even without a shirt. He wouldn’t be such a burden.  
“If you… if you really feel like you can’t do it… I understand that you have to go. Have to be alone… go home and…”, Tommy paused, “But… please… if you feel like you could make it… please stay. I will do everything in my hands to make this weekend as comfortable for you as possible. If you don’t want to, I can stop hugging and cuddling you. I’ll do anything, Tubbo”  
Tubbo cried more and leaned into his boyfriend. “I’m so sorry Tommy. You’re such a good boyfriend. And friend. You’re the best person ever. You don’t deserve me. You should have a real boy as your boyfriend. One who isn’t such an annoying burden. None of this is your fault. You shouldn’t put into effort into making a pathetic idiot like me feel any better about my messed up situation”  
Now Tommy did turn Tubbo around, who wasn’t in the mood for fighting back. They had gone this far. Who cares if Tommy would touch his chest. Or see it. Everything’s been ruined anyway.  
Tommy gently pushed up Tubbo’s swollen face and gave him a very soft, careful kiss. He took a paper tissue from a box on his bedside table and wiped away some of Tubbo’s tears, obviously careful about not letting his eyes dart down.  
“Listen to me, Tubbo. I don’t want to hear you talk like that about yourself ever again. Ever. Do you understand me? I love you so, so much. None of what you just said is true. You are perfect. You are beautiful. You are not a burden. I will care for you, not because I have to, but because I want to, you got that?”  
Tubbo sobbed even more, but now it was more because of exhaustion and happiness then fear and panic. Tommy was so sweet. The sweetest. He loved him so much. He couldn’t even put it into words.

After a long time of careful hugging, softly kissing and wiping away tears, the two boys had separated. Tommy had left Tubbo to clean his face and put on something to wear, while he himself was gonna finish breakfast.  
Tubbo would stay. Tommy was really proud of his brave boyfriend, who was ready to spend all this time in a situation he was probably more than a little anxious about.  
On the other hand, the giant amount of trust Tubbo had into him made him feel really, really good.  
“I’m only doing this because it’s you”, Tubbo had said. “I couldn’t have done it with anyone else. Not even my family. But you… I feel like I can do it with you”  
Tommy hadn’t felt more proud in a long, long while.  
He was pretty good at hiding it behind cocky jokes, loud laughter and swearing like a sailor, but he was a really, really socially awkward person. He had a lot of trouble reading other people and their feelings, and he was really suspicious.  
It was hard for him to believe he actually meant something to other people. He was always afraid everyone was just putting up an act. Because he was so goddamn annoying.  
But Tubbo liked him. Like really, really liked him.  
He grinned like a dumb idiot while making pancakes (surprisingly well dare he’d say), as he felt something small and soft hug him from behind and press his face into Tommy’s jumper.  
“Tubbo”, he giggled. “Feeling better?”  
Tubbo nodded, Tommy felt it.  
“Hungry for breakfast?”  
“Yes please”, Tubbo said.  
Tommy turned around and grinned down at him. Then he picked him up (even though he wasn’t that athletic, Tubbo was surprisingly light-weighted) and kissed him again.  
He put him down gently, and Tubbo hid his deeply crimson face.  
“Tommy! You’re the biggest idiot ever!”  
“At least I’m your idiot”, Tommy smiled and kissed him once more.


	12. Tubbo gives his permission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (CW in the notes)
> 
> Tubbo doesn't know if he's ready to get more intimate with Tommy.  
> Tommy feels like he's ready but is a very worried boyfriend again.  
> In the end, they decide to go for it, and it's a success.
> 
> Sorry for the wait and see you next time you wonderful people <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW:  
> As I've already stated in the previous chapter's notes; this chapter contains more or less detailed interactions with afab chests.  
> I avoided using direct vocabulary that may be triggering to people suffering from chest dysphoria.  
> As I've also stated before, this scene is not sexual. As of now, it is probably the smuttiest this story is ever gonna get, but neither boy is aroused by the situation. I wrote this explicitly as a scene to overcome gender dysphoria and self-hate, not as pornography.  
> If you are still afraid this scene may be triggering your dysphoria or offend you because it portrays teenagers in mildly erotic situations, you are free to not read this. Don't tell me I didn't warn you.

Tommy and Tubbo decided to watch a film later this day.  
It took them a little while to settle on a tile, but in the end, they came to a conclusion.  
Tubbo was already sat on the couch, snuggled into a quilt when Tommy came back with two mugs of hot cocoa. He put them down on the coffee table and got down onto the couch next to Tubbo, who immediately got up and crawled into Tommy’s lap.  
Tommy giggled as his much smaller boyfriend got comfortable and leaned into him.  
He put his arms very carefully around him, putting his hands pretty low onto Tubbo’s belly.  
Tubbo smiled up at him and both boys giggled as Tommy turned on the film.  
They were watching for a while, snuggling and drinking hot cocoa, until Tommy shifted a little, trying to get a bit more comfortable.  
Tubbo was pretty light, but him sitting on his thighs for an hour still started constricting the blood flow into his legs.  
Tubbo adjusted a little two until Tommy put his arms back around him and his hands brushed against the chest bump in Tubbo’s jumper.  
Both boys froze immediately.  
“Oh God… Tubbo… I am so sorry… I didn’t mean to… it was an accident”  
Tubbo could feel Tommy getting really nervous, and he took a deep breath.  
Yeah, he was taken aback by the sudden touch but he knew it wasn’t intentional. Of course, it wasn’t.  
“Hey don’t worry, Tommy… it’s no big deal” He turned around a little and smiled and his blushing boyfriend.  
“I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable… I’m so sorry…”  
Tubbo smiled and gave him a reaffirming kiss. “I know you didn’t mean to. It was just a light brush”  
Tommy nodded, and Tubbo turned back to the TV.  
A few moments later, he made an offhand comment, “It’s not like you’d wanna touch me there, so don’t worry”  
“Of course I don’t”, Tommy responded softly, “I know how distressing it’s for you to… you know… well everything about it, basically, innit?”  
Tubbo sighed. “Yeah… but’s not it, right? You… you really don’t wanna touch me there, do you? I mean… it’s kinda gross”  
None of them was paying attention to the film by now.  
“It’s not gross, Tubbo. How could anything about you be gross? I just don’t wanna make you…”  
“Hold your horses there, mister” Tubbo now fully turned around, looking up at Tommy, who was really close.  
“You don’t think they’re gross? Or disgusting? You wouldn’t want them to… not be there?”  
“I want them gone because of you”, Tommy said firmly, “Not for my sake. I don’t care what you look like. Or what shape your chest is. I really like you in any way, Tubbo. If you liked them… I’d have no problem with your chest”  
Tubbo couldn’t believe his ears. “Are you having a laugh? You don’t mind? You don’t mind that I basically look like a g-”  
Tommy interrupted him right there. “I know it’s really hard for you. And I know you need to get all this stuff… you know, fixed. Changed to match how you wanna look. But I don’t care. I like you because you’re Tubbo. Not because you’re a boy. I can’t imagine me liking anyone else, boy or girl or anything in between. You could decide to change your identity tomorrow and it wouldn’t change a thing about me liking you. You got that?”  
Tubbo looked at him, feeling a question that he had for quite a while rising to the surface. He didn’t dare to ask it, did he? Would Tommy like to… No, he surely wouldn’t. Surely not.  
He didn’t know what answer he’d even wanna hear. If it were ‘yes’ that’d probably be hella awkward, but if it were ‘no’... especially after what Tommy’d just said… he’d be a little insulted, not gonna lie.  
“So… if I were okay with it… would you wanna touch it?”  
Tommy managed to not look into Tubbo’s face. Quite a feat, considering the other boy was sitting less than a foot away from him.  
“I mean… if you wanted me to… sure. I mean… sorry… this is awkward… but of course I’ve been curious what it feels like. I… I have no experience with this sorta stuff. But… I won’t. Because it will make you feel like shit”  
Tubbo knew it. He kinda suspected it, he had thought about that for a while. Of course, Tommy was curious about his body. They’d never talked about… intimate stuff like that. Mostly because Tubbo didn’t feel ready, and Tommy was too awkward to make the first step in most things.  
“So… you wanna touch them?”, he asked, concisely.  
“No, because you w-…”  
“Do YOU wanna touch them?”, he asked again.  
Tommy’s face was almost as red as his trademark shirt’s sleeves.  
“Yeah… kinda”  
Both boys fell silent again. Tommy had reached for the remote and paused the film, so there was absolute silence in the room for a short moment.  
“Tubbo, I’m sorry”  
“It’s okay, Tommy”, Tubbo said, quietly, feeling like he was boiled alive in that big, puffy jumper, “If I were you… I’d probably want it too…”  
Tommy didn’t look like he knew what to answer, so Tubbo continued, even quieter. “You know… I… I really don’t like them. I hate how they look, mostly. Not because… they make me feel shitty… just because I wanna be seen as a boy. I wanna be a boy so badly”  
“You are a boy”  
“Don’t interrupt me, shithead” Neither could hide a grin crawling onto their faces.  
“The thing is, Tommy. Nobody has ever made me feel so… good. So comfortable in my body. Ever. I’ve been without my binder around you for hours… and I hardly mind. I hardly feel dysphoric around you. I always feel like I have to prove to everyone that I’m a boy. That I’m real. But with you… I feel like… no, I KNOW… I know I don’t need to prove anything to you. You don’t even care what I look like or if I’m a boy… or what kind of boy”  
Tommy started shaking a little. “Thank you, Tubbo… that means a lot. It really does”  
“What I’m saying is… if there ever was a person who would be allowed to see my chest… or… maybe… touch it… it would be you”  
Tommy finally got where this was going, so he vigorously shook his head. “NO! Tubbo, you don’t have to do this for me. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I don’t wanna force you…”  
“You’re not forcing me at all, Tommy. This is my choice. I know I will never love my body. Not until I get… surgery. Probably not even after that. But maybe I can learn to not… hate it this much. So if you wanna help me… try to learn… to not hate one part about it… we could try that. If you want to”  
“Tubbo… are you sure?”  
“Very. I feel like… if I close my eyes… it’ll be alright”  
Tommy nodded. “Okay. If you’re ready…”  
But Tubbo had already pulled off the hoody he had borrowed from Tommy and threw it behind him. He was wearing two t-shirts underneath, and it took him a little longer to pull off both of them.  
He was still sitting on Tommy’s things, so he could feel how nervous Tommy was.  
He closed his eyes as he put the second shirt down and felt the comparably cool air on his naked upper body.  
He heard Tommy gasp and it took him a while to do anything else.  
Tubbo knew he was staring at it, probably a bit too much.  
Tubbo shifted a little further away from Tommy to make more space for his own legs and also Tommy’s arms which were coming closer.  
The touch of Tommy’s big hands was surprisingly soft and tender.  
Tommy held his chest very carefully, stroking it lightly, his thumb gently brushing against the sensitive nipples.  
It felt good.  
Somehow it wasn't terrible. Somehow it felt good.  
This was so incredibly intimate, further than Tubbo had ever expected any relationship of his to go. But it was okay. He liked Tommy’s touch.  
There was nothing sexual or arousing in this for him. It was just… appreciative. He felt like he was a little less disgusting. A little less gross.  
The part of his body he hated the most by far… it felt good somehow. And to know someone else… didn’t hate it? Maybe even liked it?  
Tubbo loved that feeling. He slowly opened his eyes and looked at Tommy’s face.  
He looked a little stressed, probably over not making a mistake. But he also seemed excited.  
“Is this okay?”  
“Yes… it’s quite alright. More than that actually. Thank you, Tommy”  
Tommy’s hands let go of Tubbo’s chest, and the smaller boy leaned in to kiss his boyfriend.


	13. Tubbo makes it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple of months later Tubbo gets a surprise visit and he's really happy about it

The doorbell rang downstairs, but Tubbo was not in the mood to get up. Everything still hurt and his head felt dizzy, so he waited for a moment until he heard one of his family members go down and open the door.  
A moment later, his Mum called. “Toby. There’s… someone here you might wanna say hi to”  
“Send ‘em up to my room, Mum, please. You know I had surgery”

It had been almost a year since he came out to his friends as trans. Him and Tommy were dating for 8 months.  
The heat outside was intense, but the blinds kept the sun outside, keeping his room cool and dark.  
He had been approved for top surgery months ago, but the waiting list took longer than he originally anticipated.  
Finally, he made it.

He heard steps coming up the stairs. It was hard to tell how many people there were.  
The door opened, and a tall man with dark curls, round glasses and a big smile stepped in.  
“Tubbo! How’re you doing there?”  
Tubbo sat up in surprise. A little too quick for his freshly scarred skin.  
“Wilbur. You’re here? No way. What… what are you doing?”  
Wilbur giggled and sat down in a chair next to Tubbo’s bed. “A little bird named Thomas told me you were home from the clinic. We hadn’t talked since your surgery earlier this week… and I happened to be in the area”  
Wilbur and Tubbo had only met up once before, quite a while ago. He wasn’t expecting his friend to just pop in unannounced.  
“I’m so glad, you’re here, Wilbur. I was feeling a little lonely all on my own”  
“I thought so… that’s why I figured… if I’m popping up here like that… I might just make a stop at the airport and…”  
The door to his room opened again. Fundy and Niki were standing there, smiling like idiots.  
“No - surely not. Surely not. You guys are mental. You came here for me?”  
“Well… we scheduled this meet up a while back and when we heard it coincided with you being released from the hospital…”  
Niki elbowed Fundy, and Tubbo let out a laugh.  
“It doesn’t matter, does it. We figured we might say hi and take a little care of you if you don’t mind”, she said.  
“How are you doing, Tubbo? Was it hard?”

Tubbo told them about everything that had happened that week. How he prepared for surgery, everything that happened on that day, the two days in the clinic and what was to come now.  
“My surgeon said everything went well. I still have a lot of things I need to pay attention to but in the end… I’m really glad everything went so swimmingly”  
“You’re really brave, Tubbo”, Wilbur said, and the other two agreed silently.  
“How long until you are back on track completely?”, Fundy asked.  
“Well, I will have to pop in back at the clinic when they take care of my scars and everything next week. Since I had smaller cuts it won’t be that big of a deal. But I’m planning on starting streaming after that, basically”  
“And how are you feeling right now?”, Niki asked.  
“Well the pain meds are helping and I can move around. I probably shouldn’t go on any adventures if that’s what you’re asking”, he explained.  
“Surely your backyard will be fair game tho”, Wilbur said, and Tubbo nodded.  
“Sure. We can hang out there if you guys want to. My room’s a little crowded with all of you in here and I don’t like the feeling of being in bed with all of you watching like I’m gonna die”

They were sitting on the back patio, having a few snacks and chatting about everyday things, until Wilbur suddenly got up and grabbed his vibrating phone from his pocket.  
“Sorry guys, I gotta take this. Be right back”  
He went inside for a moment.  
“You know, Tubbo, we never really talked about the coming-out-stream you did in May”, Niki said, “I just wanted to tell you it was great. I’ve seen a lot of people talk about it on Twitter and Reddit and they’re really thankful for what you did”  
“Well”, Tubbo said, smiling to himself, “It was long overdue. I prepared a long while. Needed to make sure I did everything right. I didn’t wanna fuck things up”  
“You really didn’t”, Fundy commented. “I think this means a lot to other trans people watching you. They need representation and you are a great role model”  
Tubbo giggled as he felt himself blush. “You guys better stop it, or I’ll…”  
Wilbur came back onto the patio, a smile on his face that was hard to rival.  
“Ladies and gentlemen… I think he’s here”  
Niki and Fundy both looked at Tubbo with a wide grin, who was just confused until he saw a familiar lanky frame exit the patio door after Wilbur.  
“TOMMY! You’re here? I thought you were on vacation in…”  
But Tommy didn’t say a word. He quickly walked around the table and gave Tubbo a very careful, soft hug and kissed him for a little while.  
He grinned first at his startled boyfriend, then all of his other friends before taking the seat to Tubbo’s left.  
“I lied. It was an act. Wilbur’s idea, of course. We decided to surprise you. All of us. But mostly me”  
Tubbo was still at a loss for words and Wilbur, Fundy and Niki grinning at him like Cheshire Cats surely didn’t help.  
“You’re here. That means so much to me. You’re the best friends a man can have. And Tommy… this means a lot to me. It really does”  
Tommy smiled back at Tubbo.  
“I won’t be able to stay for long, because tomorrow I will go on vacation for real. I managed to squeeze this in, so you better be grateful. But I promise you… when I’m back here… and you’re feeling better too… we can spend all the time we want together, yes? I’ve asked my parents. They’ve asked yours. I could stay for like a week and we could all kinds of different stuff and…”  
“Tommy, Tommy, Tommy”, Tubbo interrupted him.  
His face hurt from grinning like an idiot but he couldn’t stop it. He was so goddamn happy. “This sounds great… but…”  
“But? But what? What’s wrong?”, Tommy asked, the omnipresent smile vanishing from his face.  
“Do you have any idea what to do FOR A WEEK? A whole week? Tommy, you have trouble planning half an evening”  
Tommy was smiling again, looking at his friends. “I don’t need to make plans. I’ve got Wilbur”  
Wilbur laughed sarcastically. “You sure do”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who supported me on this short but amazing journey. I haven't written in ages and this is the first time me properly writing something in English.  
> I still can't believe how many of you read this, left Kudos, bookmarks and nice comments and I am so incredibly happy for everything that has happened.
> 
> Some of you may think this ending came abruptly, but truth be told this story already took approximately twice as long as I originally anticipated it to go.  
> Tubbo's main character arc in this was to overcome his insecurities, find a way to (somewhat) deal with dysphoria, self-hatred and admit to his feelings.  
> Tommy's main character arc was to be less of a shithead, be honest and not suck so much at "romantic stuff" bc of his insecurities.  
> I feel like stretching these any longer or adding a new plot point after 12 chapters that has never been brought up before would not be the right call here. It would spoil something that feels like it had the perfect run time for me.
> 
> I don't really need to justify my decisions here, I just feel like letting you guys in on my thoughts and reasons would be a nice thing, especially because I don't really have anyone else to tell them to.
> 
> Lastly, I should note that this will not be my departure from mcyt ao3. I already uploaded an OS about Fundy a few days ago and I have several plans to publish more, longer stories like this one in the very near future. I am just not sure what I'm going to post exactly, so I won't be making promises. Only, that this may not have been the last time you've seen my name on this site.
> 
> [Edit: I have been quicker than expected and the first chapter of my new story "Poison Prince" should be out by now. It has a very different tone than this, at least for the most part. It still features trans Tubbo, but it is more about friendship, camaraderie and hunting Dreamons. If this sounds like something you'd enjoy, pop over to my profile and take a gander!]
> 
> Anyways, enjoy your day, take care of yourself, and see you some other time you wonderful people <3


End file.
